Lonely

When my husband is away from home, that’s when the awareness of being lonely squeezes my consciousness. When he’s here, my life is full of scheduled purpose. I don’t have time to pay attention to loneliness– there’s someone who sees me, who hears me, who enjoys talking with me. Loneliness doesn’t fit into my life then.

My love language is giving. It’s how I demonstrate appreciation. I don’t think there are many with that same love language though, because I honestly haven’t met many givers. I have, however, met many takers.

I am never more aware of my deficit than when I am empty and unable to give.

When I practice giving, I am seen or heard. Appreciated.

Otherwise, I’m unseen.

Unnoticed.

Obsolete

Most people have embedded schedules and friends, already.

It’s easier if I just sit back, and watch. Maybe I’ll find an opening where I can slip in and be a welcomed part… Or, maybe not so much.

I have had 2 sources of  consistent refreshment for years: God, and my husband.

I am active online socially in a few different settings. That’s a place I can jump in and find somewhere I fit in. I have some great online friends, and one who is like a sister to me. They help keep the loneliness from settling. I have, however, found it ironic that that’s where I’m aware of who’s not my friend, or in old Facebook terms: not a fan of me, they don’t “like” me.

I know, I know: I’m political.  And religious. Who even does that? Just post a picture of a cute LOL cat, already! Or the dinner I cooked, but haven’t eaten that is cold now, because it needs to be arranged just… so… (perfect!) for a picture to upload.

The last place we lived, I made some real face-to-face connections. Maybe it was the common denominator of sharing our hearts and creativity through writing, that bonded us.

Maybe it was that someone stopped to listen. To me. To appreciate something I poured my heart into, or that I created.

But, I had to leave that behind.

Oh, I have to go, my son needs my help.